THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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ENCHANTED WAREHOUSE OR ELABORATE TRAP? — TICK SPEAKS EXCLUSIVELY TO THIS GAZETTE
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By Nicolas Sanchez
Filed from: Cay of Whispers
—— The Trading Company requires membership. It gives away food. It sells rum for less than water. And according to Tick, it may be the most dangerous place in the colonies — for one's purse. ——
The account that follows has been assembled from no fewer than three separate tellings, each differing materially from the last in ways that suggest either an establishment of genuinely bewildering nature, or a conspiracy of liars of extraordinary coordination.
The party — comprising Tick, Gulliver Trevane, and at least one other whose identity remains disputed — arrived at Cay of Whispers in the late morning, having been directed there by local intelligence. The first obstacle was the membership system, which Tick described as 'similar to a letter of marque, but for purchasing rather than plundering.' A miniature portrait was taken by mechanical means and affixed to a card — Tick reports the likeness 'bore an unfortunate resemblance to a wanted poster,' a comparison that delighted rather than alarmed.
Once inside, all semblance of order collapsed.
— ON THE MATTER OF THE SAMPLES —
Every account agrees on one particular: the establishment distributes food without charge to its members. The nature and quantity of this food has, predictably, grown with each retelling. Tick initially spoke of 'cheese on crackers and a bit of sausage.' Gulliver Trevane later described 'a complete meal assembled across fourteen stations, including soup, roast meats, exotic pastries, and a beverage of crushed fruit.' A third source, who was not present but claims to have heard the story from someone who was, insists that the samples included 'a whole roast pig, carved to order, with accompaniments.'
The truth, as is so often the case, likely resides somewhere between the cheese and the pig.
The purchases themselves require enumeration, though the list varies between tellings:
• One (1) barrel of spirits, branded 'Kirkland,' of uncertain provenance but reportedly excellent quality
• Forty-eight (48) ship's biscuits, locally termed 'muffins,' of a sweetness suggesting Continental influence
• One (1) roasted chicken, whole, at a price so low as to suggest either charitable intent or dark sorcery
• One (1) 'patio furniture set' — the purpose of which remains unclear, though Tick describes it as 'the finest hammock arrangement yet devised'
• Sundry additional items, the exact inventory of which changes with each telling and has included, at various points: a portable forge, four hundred eggs, a decorative anchor, and something described only as 'the big Kirkland thing'
The total expenditure is reported as somewhere between 180 and 400 doubloons, depending on the source. Tick maintains — with considerable emotion — that they 'saved' money, a claim this gazette presents without endorsement.
Your correspondent notes, in closing, that Cay of Whispers has been visited by no fewer than six separate pirate parties in recent weeks, each returning with similar accounts of impossible abundance and economically impossible chickens. Whether this establishment represents a genuine advance in colonial commerce, an elaborate trap for the gullible, or — as one elder captain darkly suggests — 'a siren's call in architectural form, designed to separate a sailor from his doubloons through the witchcraft of perceived savings,' remains a matter for future investigation.
This gazette will continue to monitor developments.
— Nicolas Sanchez, writing from the offices of The Urbanicity Gazette