THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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FREE FOOD, IMPOSSIBLE PRICES, AND THE CARD OF MEMBERSHIP: WHAT EVERY PIRATE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THE COSTCO TRADING COMPANY
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By Carmen Delgado
Filed from: The Costco Trading Company (the establishment known to locals as 'Costco Wholesale')

—— They went in for biscuits. They came out three hours later, 300 doubloons lighter, with a chicken, a barrel of rum, and serious questions about the nature of commerce. ——

This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from The Costco Trading Company were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.

The party — comprising The Stag, Desmond Radcliffe, and at least one other whose identity remains disputed — arrived at The Costco Trading Company in the late morning, having been directed there by local intelligence. The first obstacle was the membership system, which The Stag described as 'similar to a letter of marque, but for purchasing rather than plundering.' A miniature portrait was taken by mechanical means and affixed to a card — The Stag reports the likeness 'bore an unfortunate resemblance to a wanted poster,' a comparison that delighted rather than alarmed.

Once inside, all semblance of order collapsed.

The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. The Stag's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'

Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that The Stag consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.

As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Desmond Radcliffe openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Desmond Radcliffe repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'

Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.

— EDITOR'S NOTE —

The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to The Costco Trading Company are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than The Stag apparently possesses.

Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.

— Carmen Delgado, Correspondent-at-Large