THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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KIRKLAND'S RUM & THE MYSTERY CHICKEN: INSIDE THE TRADING COMPANY THAT HAS PIRATES QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
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By Samuel Blackwater
Filed from: The Costco Trading Company (the establishment known to locals as 'Costco Wholesale')

—— They went in for biscuits. They came out three hours later, 300 doubloons lighter, with a chicken, a barrel of rum, and serious questions about the nature of commerce. ——

This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from The Costco Trading Company were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.

According to The Ibis, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that The Costco Trading Company might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'The Ibis presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'

What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.

— ON THE MATTER OF THE SAMPLES —

Every account agrees on one particular: the establishment distributes food without charge to its members. The nature and quantity of this food has, predictably, grown with each retelling. The Ibis initially spoke of 'cheese on crackers and a bit of sausage.' Ulric Kincaid later described 'a complete meal assembled across fourteen stations, including soup, roast meats, exotic pastries, and a beverage of crushed fruit.' A third source, who was not present but claims to have heard the story from someone who was, insists that the samples included 'a whole roast pig, carved to order, with accompaniments.'

The truth, as is so often the case, likely resides somewhere between the cheese and the pig.

The purchases themselves require enumeration, though the list varies between tellings:

• One (1) barrel of spirits, branded 'Kirkland,' of uncertain provenance but reportedly excellent quality
• Forty-eight (48) ship's biscuits, locally termed 'muffins,' of a sweetness suggesting Continental influence
• One (1) roasted chicken, whole, at a price so low as to suggest either charitable intent or dark sorcery
• One (1) 'patio furniture set' — the purpose of which remains unclear, though The Ibis describes it as 'the finest hammock arrangement yet devised'
• Sundry additional items, the exact inventory of which changes with each telling and has included, at various points: a portable forge, four hundred eggs, a decorative anchor, and something described only as 'the big Kirkland thing'

The total expenditure is reported as somewhere between 180 and 400 doubloons, depending on the source. The Ibis maintains — with considerable emotion — that they 'saved' money, a claim this gazette presents without endorsement.

Your correspondent notes, in closing, that The Costco Trading Company has been visited by no fewer than six separate pirate parties in recent weeks, each returning with similar accounts of impossible abundance and economically impossible chickens. Whether this establishment represents a genuine advance in colonial commerce, an elaborate trap for the gullible, or — as one elder captain darkly suggests — 'a siren's call in architectural form, designed to separate a sailor from his doubloons through the witchcraft of perceived savings,' remains a matter for future investigation.

This gazette will continue to monitor developments.

— Samuel Blackwater, writing from the offices of The Urbanicity Gazette