THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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THE FIVE-SHILLING CHICKEN THAT SHOOK THE FLEET: A CORRESPONDENT'S INVESTIGATION INTO THE COSTCO TRADING COMPANY
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By John Saltwell
Filed from: The Costco Trading Company (the establishment known to locals as 'Costco Wholesale')

—— When Mildew described a warehouse where food is given freely and whole chickens cost less than a pint of ale, we assumed drink was involved. We were wrong. Mostly. ——

The account that follows has been assembled from no fewer than three separate tellings, each differing materially from the last in ways that suggest either an establishment of genuinely bewildering nature, or a conspiracy of liars of extraordinary coordination.

The party — comprising Mildew, Delphine Kerr, and at least one other whose identity remains disputed — arrived at The Costco Trading Company in the late morning, having been directed there by local intelligence. The first obstacle was the membership system, which Mildew described as 'similar to a letter of marque, but for purchasing rather than plundering.' A miniature portrait was taken by mechanical means and affixed to a card — Mildew reports the likeness 'bore an unfortunate resemblance to a wanted poster,' a comparison that delighted rather than alarmed.

Once inside, all semblance of order collapsed.

— ON THE MATTER OF THE SAMPLES —

Every account agrees on one particular: the establishment distributes food without charge to its members. The nature and quantity of this food has, predictably, grown with each retelling. Mildew initially spoke of 'cheese on crackers and a bit of sausage.' Delphine Kerr later described 'a complete meal assembled across fourteen stations, including soup, roast meats, exotic pastries, and a beverage of crushed fruit.' A third source, who was not present but claims to have heard the story from someone who was, insists that the samples included 'a whole roast pig, carved to order, with accompaniments.'

The truth, as is so often the case, likely resides somewhere between the cheese and the pig.

The purchases themselves require enumeration, though the list varies between tellings:

• One (1) barrel of spirits, branded 'Kirkland,' of uncertain provenance but reportedly excellent quality
• Forty-eight (48) ship's biscuits, locally termed 'muffins,' of a sweetness suggesting Continental influence
• One (1) roasted chicken, whole, at a price so low as to suggest either charitable intent or dark sorcery
• One (1) 'patio furniture set' — the purpose of which remains unclear, though Mildew describes it as 'the finest hammock arrangement yet devised'
• Sundry additional items, the exact inventory of which changes with each telling and has included, at various points: a portable forge, four hundred eggs, a decorative anchor, and something described only as 'the big Kirkland thing'

The total expenditure is reported as somewhere between 180 and 400 doubloons, depending on the source. Mildew maintains — with considerable emotion — that they 'saved' money, a claim this gazette presents without endorsement.

— EDITOR'S NOTE —

The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to The Costco Trading Company are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than Mildew apparently possesses.

Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.

— John Saltwell, Correspondent-at-Large