THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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FREE FOOD, IMPOSSIBLE PRICES, AND THE CARD OF MEMBERSHIP: WHAT EVERY PIRATE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THE COSTCO TRADING COMPANY
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By John Saltwell
Filed from: The Costco Trading Company (the establishment known to locals as 'Costco Wholesale')

—— When Greta Rooke described a warehouse where food is given freely and whole chickens cost less than a pint of ale, we assumed drink was involved. We were wrong. Mostly. ——

This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from The Costco Trading Company were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.

According to Greta Rooke, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that The Costco Trading Company might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'Greta Rooke presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'

What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.

— ON THE MATTER OF THE SAMPLES —

Every account agrees on one particular: the establishment distributes food without charge to its members. The nature and quantity of this food has, predictably, grown with each retelling. Greta Rooke initially spoke of 'cheese on crackers and a bit of sausage.' Éliane Vautrin later described 'a complete meal assembled across fourteen stations, including soup, roast meats, exotic pastries, and a beverage of crushed fruit.' A third source, who was not present but claims to have heard the story from someone who was, insists that the samples included 'a whole roast pig, carved to order, with accompaniments.'

The truth, as is so often the case, likely resides somewhere between the cheese and the pig.

As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Éliane Vautrin openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Éliane Vautrin repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'

Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.

— EDITOR'S NOTE —

The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to The Costco Trading Company are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than Greta Rooke apparently possesses.

Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.

— John Saltwell, Correspondent-at-Large