THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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KIRKLAND'S RUM & THE MYSTERY CHICKEN: INSIDE THE TRADING COMPANY THAT HAS PIRATES QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
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By Queequeg Soot
Filed from: The Careening Beaches

—— They went in for biscuits. They came out three hours later, 300 doubloons lighter, with a chicken, a barrel of rum, and serious questions about the nature of commerce. ——

This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from The Careening Beaches were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.

According to Cillian Wainwright, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that The Careening Beaches might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'Cillian Wainwright presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'

What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.

The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. Cillian Wainwright's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'

Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that Cillian Wainwright consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.

As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Gareth Locke openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Gareth Locke repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'

Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.

Your correspondent notes, in closing, that The Careening Beaches has been visited by no fewer than six separate pirate parties in recent weeks, each returning with similar accounts of impossible abundance and economically impossible chickens. Whether this establishment represents a genuine advance in colonial commerce, an elaborate trap for the gullible, or — as one elder captain darkly suggests — 'a siren's call in architectural form, designed to separate a sailor from his doubloons through the witchcraft of perceived savings,' remains a matter for future investigation.

This gazette will continue to monitor developments.

— Queequeg Soot, writing from the offices of The Urbanicity Gazette