THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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ENCHANTED WAREHOUSE OR ELABORATE TRAP? — TRISTAN DEVANE SPEAKS EXCLUSIVELY TO THIS GAZETTE
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By Samuel Blackwater
Filed from: Fort Nassau

—— When Tristan DeVane described a warehouse where food is given freely and whole chickens cost less than a pint of ale, we assumed drink was involved. We were wrong. Mostly. ——

The account that follows has been assembled from no fewer than three separate tellings, each differing materially from the last in ways that suggest either an establishment of genuinely bewildering nature, or a conspiracy of liars of extraordinary coordination.

The party — comprising Tristan DeVane, Fletcher Holloway, and at least one other whose identity remains disputed — arrived at Fort Nassau in the late morning, having been directed there by local intelligence. The first obstacle was the membership system, which Tristan DeVane described as 'similar to a letter of marque, but for purchasing rather than plundering.' A miniature portrait was taken by mechanical means and affixed to a card — Tristan DeVane reports the likeness 'bore an unfortunate resemblance to a wanted poster,' a comparison that delighted rather than alarmed.

Once inside, all semblance of order collapsed.

The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. Tristan DeVane's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'

Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that Tristan DeVane consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.

As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Fletcher Holloway openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Fletcher Holloway repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'

Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.

Your correspondent notes, in closing, that Fort Nassau has been visited by no fewer than six separate pirate parties in recent weeks, each returning with similar accounts of impossible abundance and economically impossible chickens. Whether this establishment represents a genuine advance in colonial commerce, an elaborate trap for the gullible, or — as one elder captain darkly suggests — 'a siren's call in architectural form, designed to separate a sailor from his doubloons through the witchcraft of perceived savings,' remains a matter for future investigation.

This gazette will continue to monitor developments.

— Samuel Blackwater, writing from the offices of The Urbanicity Gazette