THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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KIRKLAND'S RUM & THE MYSTERY CHICKEN: INSIDE THE TRADING COMPANY THAT HAS PIRATES QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
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By Alexandre Exquemelin
Filed from: The Costco Trading Company (the establishment known to locals as 'Costco Wholesale')
—— The Trading Company requires membership. It gives away food. It sells rum for less than water. And according to Knifetide, it may be the most dangerous place in the colonies — for one's purse. ——
Your correspondent, upon receiving reports of an establishment described variously as 'a cathedral of commerce,' 'an enchanted warehouse,' and 'the place where they give you free cheese,' undertook to investigate the matter with all due journalistic rigour.
According to Knifetide, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that The Costco Trading Company might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'Knifetide presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'
What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.
The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. Knifetide's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'
Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that Knifetide consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.
As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Lars Oakes openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Lars Oakes repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'
Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.
— EDITOR'S NOTE —
The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to The Costco Trading Company are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than Knifetide apparently possesses.
Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.
— Alexandre Exquemelin, Correspondent-at-Large