THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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ENCHANTED WAREHOUSE OR ELABORATE TRAP? — HOLLOWBONE SPEAKS EXCLUSIVELY TO THIS GAZETTE
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By Carmen Delgado
Filed from: Blacktide's Tower
—— When Hollowbone described a warehouse where food is given freely and whole chickens cost less than a pint of ale, we assumed drink was involved. We were wrong. Mostly. ——
This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from Blacktide's Tower were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.
The party — comprising Hollowbone, Quentin Tierney, and at least one other whose identity remains disputed — arrived at Blacktide's Tower in the late morning, having been directed there by local intelligence. The first obstacle was the membership system, which Hollowbone described as 'similar to a letter of marque, but for purchasing rather than plundering.' A miniature portrait was taken by mechanical means and affixed to a card — Hollowbone reports the likeness 'bore an unfortunate resemblance to a wanted poster,' a comparison that delighted rather than alarmed.
Once inside, all semblance of order collapsed.
The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. Hollowbone's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'
Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that Hollowbone consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.
As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Quentin Tierney openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Quentin Tierney repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'
Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.
— EDITOR'S NOTE —
The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to Blacktide's Tower are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than Hollowbone apparently possesses.
Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.
— Carmen Delgado, Correspondent-at-Large