THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
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THE FIVE-SHILLING CHICKEN THAT SHOOK THE FLEET: A CORRESPONDENT'S INVESTIGATION INTO FORT NASSAU
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By Nicolas Sanchez
Filed from: Fort Nassau

—— The Trading Company requires membership. It gives away food. It sells rum for less than water. And according to The Stag, it may be the most dangerous place in the colonies — for one's purse. ——

This gazette rarely concerns itself with matters of retail commerce, preferring as we do the weightier subjects of piracy, politics, and hangings. However, the reports emerging from Fort Nassau were of such a fantastic nature that editorial attention was unavoidable.

According to The Stag, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that Fort Nassau might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'The Stag presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'

What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.

The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. The Stag's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'

Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that The Stag consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.

The purchases themselves require enumeration, though the list varies between tellings:

• One (1) barrel of spirits, branded 'Kirkland,' of uncertain provenance but reportedly excellent quality
• Forty-eight (48) ship's biscuits, locally termed 'muffins,' of a sweetness suggesting Continental influence
• One (1) roasted chicken, whole, at a price so low as to suggest either charitable intent or dark sorcery
• One (1) 'patio furniture set' — the purpose of which remains unclear, though The Stag describes it as 'the finest hammock arrangement yet devised'
• Sundry additional items, the exact inventory of which changes with each telling and has included, at various points: a portable forge, four hundred eggs, a decorative anchor, and something described only as 'the big Kirkland thing'

The total expenditure is reported as somewhere between 180 and 400 doubloons, depending on the source. The Stag maintains — with considerable emotion — that they 'saved' money, a claim this gazette presents without endorsement.

Your correspondent notes, in closing, that Fort Nassau has been visited by no fewer than six separate pirate parties in recent weeks, each returning with similar accounts of impossible abundance and economically impossible chickens. Whether this establishment represents a genuine advance in colonial commerce, an elaborate trap for the gullible, or — as one elder captain darkly suggests — 'a siren's call in architectural form, designed to separate a sailor from his doubloons through the witchcraft of perceived savings,' remains a matter for future investigation.

This gazette will continue to monitor developments.

— Nicolas Sanchez, writing from the offices of The Urbanicity Gazette