THE URBANICITY GAZETTE
═══════════════════════════════════════
THE FIVE-SHILLING CHICKEN THAT SHOOK THE FLEET: A CORRESPONDENT'S INVESTIGATION INTO THE GOLDEN ARCHES COOKHOUSE
═══════════════════════════════════════

By Carmen Delgado
Filed from: The Golden Arches Cookhouse (the establishment known to locals as 'McDonald's')

—— The Trading Company requires membership. It gives away food. It sells rum for less than water. And according to Zephyr Locke, it may be the most dangerous place in the colonies — for one's purse. ——

The account that follows has been assembled from no fewer than three separate tellings, each differing materially from the last in ways that suggest either an establishment of genuinely bewildering nature, or a conspiracy of liars of extraordinary coordination.

According to Zephyr Locke, the expedition commenced at approximately ten bells of the morning watch, when a harbour contact suggested that The Golden Arches Cookhouse might serve their provisioning needs. The establishment — situated in a district of the colonies known for its broad avenues and horseless carriages — required proof of membership before entry. 'Zephyr Locke presented credentials,' our source confirms, 'and was admitted through gates guarded by sentries in crimson waistcoats.'

What followed, if the accounts are to be trusted, was an odyssey of consumption that lasted the better part of three hours.

The matter of the free samples deserves particular attention, as it has become the most contested element of the narrative. Zephyr Locke's original account mentions 'several small offerings of food' available throughout the establishment. By the second retelling, this had become 'a banquet distributed across twenty stations.' By the time the story reached this gazette's offices, the samples had been elevated to 'a feast rivalling the Governor's table at Christmastide, offered to any who possessed the fortitude to circle the aisles repeatedly.'

Our correspondent can confirm only that free food was distributed, that Zephyr Locke consumed a quantity of it, and that at least one altercation occurred at or near a sample station, the details of which vary irreconcilably between sources.

As to what was actually PURCHASED — and we use the word loosely, for the quantities involved suggest less 'shopping' than 'provisioning for a siege' — the manifest includes items of both practical and bewildering nature. The centrepiece appears to be a whole chicken, roasted on a spit, sold for a sum so trifling that Abel Tierney openly questioned whether they had stolen it by accident. 'Five shillings,' Abel Tierney repeated, with the haunted expression of a man whose understanding of economics has been fundamentally shattered. 'For a WHOLE CHICKEN.'

Also procured: bulk spirits, bulk biscuits, bulk items of a nature that defies bulk — one does not, under ordinary circumstances, require forty-eight individual pudding cups, yet here we are.

— EDITOR'S NOTE —

The preceding account has been compiled from multiple testimonies of varying reliability. The Gazette assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of sample counts, chicken prices, or claims of enchantment. Readers contemplating their own expedition to The Golden Arches Cookhouse are advised to bring a firm budget and a stronger will than Zephyr Locke apparently possesses.

Further reports will follow as warranted, or as space permits.

— Carmen Delgado, Correspondent-at-Large